is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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