Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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