: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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