Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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