Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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