You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
