dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
