does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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