I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
