I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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