When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm always down for nudity.
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