My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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