Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
