The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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