I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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