Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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