I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Someone signed my nipple.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
