woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So much Jack, so little girl.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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