Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
