Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
