On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Randomize
