Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
