and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We're too hungover to prance.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
