I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
