I got chris browned last night
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
