hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
