If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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