Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
