This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
