physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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