She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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