I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
