Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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