Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
