Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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