Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
time to smoke my breakfast
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
