i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
pray to the hookup gods
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
