Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
