I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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