I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
