Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
