Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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