I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
