I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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