Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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