I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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