why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
