I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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