I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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