Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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