what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
