Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Randomize
