it wasn't lemon gatorade
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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