If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize