Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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