It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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