since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize