Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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