2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize