i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
