My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
