I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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