I am puke
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
